


sleeping in your bed

by brightpink



Category: Smosh
Genre: Angst, M/M, No Smut, No explicit scenes, Pining, no shourtney shizzle, wholesome bro love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2020-12-27 13:36:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21119672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brightpink/pseuds/brightpink
Summary: oh, so  now damien looks different in the sunlight.





	1. Chapter 1

shayne's past weekends have been spent waking up in damien's bed. it's not bad per say, sleeping next to someone who he gets to call his best friend isn't that bad. but the feelings he gets with it are weird to say the least. 

because, every time he wakes up, before damien, he feels butterflies in his stomach. looking at his messy hair, the sun rays hitting him just right, in the way shayne has never seen, or at least noticed before. he gets the sudden urge to kiss damien, on his forhead, or lips & tell him that he's in love.

oh, he's in love. well shit. he's fucked.

what shayne doesn't know is that when damien wakes up before him, he feels the same. having shayne in his bed, knowing that he trusts him so much and feels comfortable enough around damien to sleep next to him, almost whenever. it almost makes damien feel shittier for having feelings, he feels like he's using shayne's trust.

\---

a prime example of them being so close to something so beautiful in on one saturday. it's another one of those weekends. shayne's spending the night at damien's and they've just headed to sleep, in the same bed. the guest bedroom in damien's apartment has been long forgotten and kind of not even an option. but shayne likes it. he likes sleeping next to someone, once in a while, and he doesn't mind feeling someone's warmth next to him especially if it's damien.

they've become so close. they're next to each other, as close as they can humanly get. damien's head is on shayne's chest, while his arms are around his waist. and shayne's hand is entangled in damien's hair. they like it like that. 

damien wakes up first and decides to just enjoy the moment. he imagines that this could be them, this could be them, always. if he pretends, this would be them. something in the brunet is sure that shayne likes him too, a very small voice, a muffled scream inside him. and if he looks at it with a rational mindset, it could be possible, but the percentage? questionable.

so damien lies there, head on shayne's chest, counting his breaths, trying to hear the blonde's heartbeat, enjoying the early morning sun peaking from behind the windows. he tries to sync his own breathing to the man next to him, it makes him feel at peace for some reason. perhaps because whenever damien's having a hard time, and everything is getting to him, shayne helps him by hugging. that's the moment when damien's closest to shayne's breathing and heart beat. so now he associates those two things with being safe and sound.

huh, that's kind of weird. the brunet has never thought of shayne like that. it's almost like he feels most peace next to him, intimate. skin on skin. "am i in too deep?" he asks himself.

but before damien can fall any deeper into his thoughts shayne moves under him, and says, with a very raspy voice that damien might like very much: "good morning." his heart swoons.

"morning," damien whispers back, not moving any further from shayne, rather moving closer.

"how'd you sleep?" 

"great, you make a good pillow," damien laughs quietly.

"thanks, that's all i've aspired to be in life," shayne jokes back and damien can feel the blonde's smile.

"you're stupid."

"i think we should get on with our day."

"no, you're warm, and i like it."

"fair enough," shayne says, looking down at damien and smiling in pure bliss, one that he doesn't truly understand, which doesn't stop him at all. so damien nestles is head more into shayne, enjoying whatever this is, as long as he can. before it'll break, cause he knows it will.

so shayne pulls damien closer to himself, closes his eyes, and lets himself enjoy the moment. he feels like he's glowing, sparkling from the love. even if it might be one sides, he'll enjoy it for as long as he can.

\---

a friday night, it's shayne's place this time. maybe damien pushed him to let them be here this time 'cause of the candles the blonde burns. and how they now smell like home to damien. weird, but also so good. 

in general, shayne smells like home to the brunet. hugging him feels like home, him walking into any room feels like home, him laughing, his smile, eye-contact, the slightest breeze against his own skin brings goosebumps to damien. sometimes, when it's just the two of them, shayne runs his hands thorugh damien hair and looks so fond and so happy. 

they're sitting on the couch, alcohol in one hand the other trying to not run his hands through shayne's hair, cup his cheeks and kiss him. wow, another interesting thought. along with the home one. damien thinks to himself. he's been having these thought a lot lately. it's not bad per say, but it could get bad. something in him wants to tell shayne how he feels, but the other is scared that this bliss will come to an end if the feelings aren't same. saying nothing is the easiest.

shayne suggesting a game of never have i ever snaps damien out of his thoughts. a game some may say counts as flirting, getting to know each other even better. damien hopes it's flirting.

"you start."

"never have i ever kissed a man," damien confesses to shayne, taking another sip of his wine.

"really?" shayne asks him with a note of shock in his voice, "i though that you also would've kissed a man." he shifts his position to lean more into the couch, further away form the brunet.

"no, it's rather you," damien notes, "as i can see from one of your fingers being down."

"well yes, but why did you say that it's rather me," shayne asks.

"everybody wants you," even me, damien says, leaving the last part to himself.

shayne shifts uncomfortably, and chuckles: "it's rather that everyone wants you, often you just don't realize it," he says calmly, "you underestaimate yourself, you could kiss a guy easy," you could kiss me easy. 

damien just fondly smiles at shayne. the fond type of smile your parents would give you if you expressed your opinion that was so wrong but they couldn't judge you because there's no way you could even know that. "if you say so, shayne." 

"i do."

\---

shayne's been falling harder than ever. he keeps staring at him for too long. and it's almost like damien notices him staring, but shayne can't be sure. so he keeps playing that scary good game. every touch of affection is a drug, and makes him come back for more. it forces him to play the game, while he really wants to get out. not that much but still.

so in his last hope he sits on his bed, which kind of smells like damien, for some reason. he's not mad at it, just a bit confused. he picks up his phone and dials courtney.

it takes just a few short rings for her to pick up. "what's up?" courtney's happy voice chimes.

"i need to ask you an important question."

"go ahead," courtney responds on the other line. 

she's chilling in her apartment, behind her make-up desk. the call from shayne is something she kind of saw coming, but also not at all. she's noticed how damien and shayne pine each other, without realizing what the other is doing back. 

"so, you don't have to answer even if you know the answer... cause you know, i don't want to be invasive," shayne says.

courtney on the other end chuckles, pausing what she previously was doing. "you're scaring me shayne, what do you want to ask, i'll just respond. i don't know any government secrets, so."

"so, you and damien," shayne starts.

"yes, me and damien. what about it?"

"you guys are close right?"

courtney laughs out loud: "shayne! you're his literal best friend, why are you asking me?" 

"do you happen to perhaps, by any chance, know if damien has his eye on anyone?" shayne asks smirking on the other hand, fidgeting with his shirt. 

"i see what the curious man wants to know. you've got your eyes on the prize, huh?" courtney respond smiling widely on the other end.

"courtneeeeey, do you know or not?" shayne begs her.

"you guys are so close," she says and coughs, to give a hint, "so i'm sure you could find out for yourself."

"this didn't help me at all," shayne sighs frustrated, knowing that he'll still have to make the biggest leap, causing him to risk everything. he throws himself down on his bed, so he's no laying down. 

"anyways, tell me about your little crush," courtney continues the conversation. 

so shayne tells her everything, from discovering that the sunlight now hits damien differently, ending with the nervousness and anxiety that comes with spending time with him. courtney just swoons over him and tries to give him her best advice.

but still, shayne is left to make the big jump, to confess his feelings.


	2. la stargazing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i think i've found true love

"do you think you'll ever find love?"

"what?"

"do you think you'll ever find love?" damien asks shayne again.

"what do you mean by love? what kind of love?"

"like true love," damien elaborates sighing. he takes a seat on the only chair on shayne's balcony. they've been standing there, staring at the few stars they see, because of los angeles' light pollution. rather, they see no stars, but if they look long enough they start to hallucinate and see sparkling dots in the sky, they start to imagine that those are stars, eventually the city noise, cars, drunk people screaming, will fade out. so it's just them and the imaginary stars and the dying wish to not be here, to see the real stars for once.

"like the type of love where you love the other person unconditionally," damien continues, "the type where you trust and love them so much that you'd take your heart out of your own chest, give it to them and let them nurture it. the type that when you look at them you almost, _or actually do, _freeze in your tracks, and when they look at you they're _sparkling._" damien stands up and turns to look at shayne, he subconsciously shifts closer to shayne, his eyes are glowing, _sparkling._ "shayne, do you think you'll ever find that type of love?" damien finishes his talk.

"oh," is all shayne manages to get out. "i think i've already found true love, then."

"in who--" damien asks lighting-fast, he stops himself in his tracks before he could continue. _that's too much, too quick, _he thinks to himself, but shayne doesn't seem to notice, because he continues casually: "well, there is a certain someone, i've been looking at him for a while."

_for a while, so i don't even have a chance. _despite how much damien wants to support shayne and make sure he's happy, even if the one that makes him happy isn't him, a flash of pain still strikes the brunet, right in his chest. he pretends he didn't feel it, and follows up: "and who's that certain someone if i may ask?"

"mm, well i can't say his name, but he's sweet and charming, he has the fluffiest and softest hair i have ever touched. we're actually quite alike, you'd like him very much," shayne smirks, looking at the stars, like he can see someone there. and shayne does, shayne sees the silhouette of damien there, or rather them together. it's like all the happy, bubbly moments they've had together are playing out at the same time. and shayne's content, smiling at the sky.

damien chuckles at the last sentence: "are you trying to sell you true love off to me?"

"i think you'd appreciate it a lot if he was my boyfriend." shayne casually continues, resting his hands on the railing of the balcony. 

"well if you two are alike i'm sure he'd fit in great," damien responds, turning to look back at the non-existent stars. he feels heartbroken and it's stupid. heartbroken over something that never even had the potential to be _something. _he feels desperate to change something, to say something, but that just feels wrong and weird. that'd just make shayne feel bad for the thing he cannot control. it's not like if damien confessed his love shayne would magically feel the same way. that doesn't happen.

so damien sighs, and considers the fake star-gazing in los angeles ruined, he considers shayne's balcony ruined and he considers him ruined. all he wants to do now is escape, not to be within a foot of shayne, too close for comfort, now. he feels sick when he thinks of his own bed now. he'll probably go home and sleep on his couch, _if that doesn't smell like shayne too._

\---

days pass, damien has lost all hope and shayne's is losing his too. it looks like the fake stargazing night fucked them up, and shayne doesn't get why. in his mind it was obvious enough that the person who he was talking about was the one standing next to him, but was he too obvious? perhaps, damien doesn't like shayne that way, and maybe he caught on to shayne's little crush, and wanted out. 

he had seemed anxious and just _off _ for the rest of the night, and he had left in a hurry, for seemingly no reason. well, missing you cats _is _a reason, but it seemed odd nevertheless. furthermore, shayne has no-one to call for advice. courtney's had been horrible last time and damien is just out of his list of people to call, anyway. 

so he sits, on his balcony chair that damien last sat, before he kind of disappeared into thin air. he's _here, _but not the way he was before. he has short responses and no glow behind his eyes. 

shayne replays the night in his head. he doesn't catch anything. he replays it a few more times, and he reaches two conclusions. the first being that damien figured out that shayne was talking about him, which was kind of his intention, but damien doesn't like him back and that just freaked him out. and the second conclusion he reached is that for some reason damien doesn't want shayne to have a boyfriend, which would be weird.

the best to do in this situation is to communicate it out. that's how problem solving works.

so he invites damien out for dinner.

\---

damien deemed getting an invite from shayne to lunch weird. shayne had just been acting very close with damien, and then went ahead and confessed finding his true love in another guy, who was alike them. 

"if he's so alike us, why couldn't you just pick me," damien mumbles infront of himself in frustration. he realizes that those are probably not the healthiest thoughts to have, when he is _supposed _to be supporting his friend in finding true love, but he can't help it.

despite the unexpectedness and weirdness of shayne's invite damien agrees to go, because the only thing weirder, than the timing of the invite, would be for damien to decline, seemingly out of thin air.

they agree on a restaurant they used to visit often, it reminds damien of home too, most likely because of shayne. but due to recent events he's trying to throw that out of his head. _shayne isn't home. _

the night at the restaurant is quiet, there aren't many people besides them. though damien swore to throw any thoughts of being romantically involved with shayne out of his head, he still can't help himself when he sees shayne wearing a long sleeved shirt, with the sleeves rolled up, exposing his forearms. which _do _look good and damien can't deny it. 

they order what they'd usually get, but it's not usual. it's quieter. it's not the comfortable silence, it's the one that drowns. the one that even blasting music couldn't fix, because the silence would drown that out too. so they sit in that drowning silence, which seems to be filling damien's lungs more than shayne's. it's almost like damien could hear ringing in his ears, his own heartbeat and his thoughts getting way too loud.

it's like he's hyperventilating over _silence, _something he'd otherwise adorein shayne's presence, them being quiet, and somehow saying everything at the same time, spoke at the levels of drowning out music, as well. but now the thing he loved the most is killing him. 

"huh, i guess love _does kill _after all," damien whispers so quietly that shayne almost doesn't catch it, if it wasn't for him staring at damien's lips.

"what did you say?" shayne asks reacting quickly.

"i said something?" damien responds, "i didn't say anything."

"are you sure, i saw your lips moving."

now damien asks himself why shayne was staring at him in the first place. did he do something wrong? did he say something concerning, or maybe, the fact that he wasn't saying anything is concerning? he's spiraling down a rabbit hole of what ifs, and the end is nowhere near.

"damien?" shayne asks and snaps damien out of his spiraling mess with his sweet like honey tone, and eyes which are sparkling, again. shayne's glowing and damien blames it on his love interest.

"i didn't say anything, and even if i did it wouldn't matter."

"why are you talking down on yourself? it _would _matter, and it does," shayne says frowning.

"can you just do me one favor, and forget about it? thanks."

shayne notes this down as weird behaviour. he's confused. why did damien agree to go out with him but then act weird, silent and not himself.

so the blond does his best attempt at picking up some conversation, so he suggests: "what do you think of la stargazing tonight?"

question innocent enough, but it still send shivers down damien's back. he wants to say no, but that'd be even weirder on top of this already weird situation, so he nods. and they go.

it's weird, and it's bad. when shayne suggests at the end they go to his place, damien can't help but decline, he's already been through enough.

he wants out. he wants shayne happy but not at the expense of him.

and all shayne wants is damien back, at the expense of anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im aware that there are problems w the time forms, and yes i'm too lazy to fix those, i'll try better with the next chapter, if y'all want another.


	3. sleeping in my bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> all alone, once again

okay so perhaps courtney's advice last time wasn't _any _good, but shayne also has absolutely nobody to call. yes he does have _two_ friends, but at least he has them. but as of the situation right now, he truly only has courtney.

damien's been acting weirder and shayne's attempt to fix it with dinner made absolutely _nothing _better. he's off. and shayne can't really live like this, he doesn't like it, and neither does damien.

\---

in his own room, under his blanket, which still kind of smells like shayne, with just one of his cats with him, damien's trying to figure out _what the fuck. _just that. he isn't even sure _what _he's trying to figure out. 

sure, the way shayne acted, confessing his true love in someone else after, some may even say, leading damien on for a while, was weird and inexcusable. what was shayne trying to gain from fucking with damien's head is a code damien hasn't cracked yet.

besides that he's even questioning his own feelings towards shayne. asking himself what he sees in shayne, what made him fall for him like that, so he could figure out how to fall out of love, without getting even more hurt and maintaining the friendship, and his sanity.

he feels absolutely broken and sad and let down. by himself first, and by shayne second. it's hard for him to believe what happened, especially considering that shayne's always very considerate, and especially _they _tend to have a sixth sense towards what can be said and what can't be said, more so after all these years. so it's weird and it's heartbreaking and it's tiring.

and they both want to fix it, in different ways, cause they see this situation differently.

\---

shayne makes the first move, by going over to courtney's for advice. courtney is welcoming him in with open arms. she doesn't like seeing her friends broken up like that, considering that it's something that should've brought them closer instead.

courtney knows that the boys both have feelings for each other, cause it's _just that obvious._ but she didn't want her to ruin the special feeling of relief that you get when you find out somebody likes you back. she thought they'd figure it out together. how hard can it be. 

but as it turns out, it might be hard. because shayne's coming over without any good news. and she can't help but wonder what happened.

"hey court," says shayne as soon as he opens her front door. he looks tired and sad, and courtney's face drops seeing that. she can't help but feel a little bit of heartache herself.

"hey shayne, how are you feeling?" she responds, and gets up from the couch to go hug shayne.

"bad, i feel like i fucked up. i should've just not." 

"oh, baby, don't say that. what happened? i'm sure it isn't that bad," courtney frowns and grabs shayne's hand. she leads them into her living room, to sit on her couch.

"yeah, i mean nobody cussed me out, but _i feel _bad," shayne sighs, and sits down with courtney.

"okay, so tell me."

so shayne tells courtney the whole story, from beginning to end. from the fake stargazing to the dinner they went to, and how damien politely declined shayne's offer to go to his place after their stargazing. which shayne explains, in his head, was damien saying "no" to the whole situation in the politest way possible. 

upon hearing the story, and especially shayne's thoughts, courtney starts doubting her own eyes and ears. _perhaps damien doesn't like shayne, and they just seem close. did i fuck this up? oh god, _is the thought that runs through her head.

"well, shayne," courtney starts, shifting her position on the couch, to face the blonde and move closer to him. courtney feels that that's the only right way to express her observations. to be close, to make it all as intimate as possible. not distanced, so he can be sure that courtney's not bullshitting her. "like, until now, i was quite sure damien liked you."

"i kind of was as well," shayne sighs.

"you guys _are _so close. like in every aspect," she follows up. courtney runs her hands through her hair in frustration. "i don't know shayne, maybe that's just friendship. but like, damien _likes his personal space, _with everyone," she pauses, "except you. you can get close to him in every possible way. it's like personal boundaries don't exist for you two."

"what are you talking about?" 

"haven't you noticed?" 

"yeah, well we're close. but i truly think that's just the years we've spent together. i don't know, maybe time makes a difference for him? i truly don't think im the variable in this. courtney i don't know," he pauses, takes a deep breath, and continues, "i truly fucked this up. i should apologize."

"for what? i don't think expressing ones feelings is a crime, shayne."

"no, no, no. not that," shayne starts but then stops abruptly. he sinks into the couch even more than before and lets his head rest on the headrest. "courtney, i feel bad cause i think i used him in a way."

"elaborate."

"it isn't anything bad _bad. _like i didn't go through his personal belongings or do something he didn't consent to. nothing like that. it's just that as we got closer, i think it was initiated by me. and maybe he went along only cause he felt like _'oh we're such good friends i guess we could be physically closer as well'_ and then i confessed and he realized that that wasn't friendship it was something more. and he started acting weird when he found out that i have feelings towards him, i think that just further proves my point that he didn't consent to being close like _that._"

he finishes his sentence and wipes away a tear, he feels shitty about his actions. shayne wouldn't like to get used in that sense, so damien most likely wouldn't like it either.

"god, shayne," is all courtney manages to get out. she just leans forward and pulls shayne into a hug. they stand there, sure as a rock. and maybe shayne's crying, and maybe courtney can feel it on her shoulder. and maybe she's crying as well. but they don't care.

\---

still in his own room with his cats is damien. after pitying himself and feeling stupid for even _ever _catching feelings for someone who, according to his recent findings, was _so obviously_ so in love with someone else the whole time. and apparently also a long time.

he kind of blames shayne for acting so close with him. especially once it turned out that that wasn't what he meant. it stings even more cause damien let down his personal boundaries for shayne, thinking that it was something more than just _friendship._ that's also his fault for falling but shayne's for continuing it. he knows what he did, _he knows _damien.

unknowingly a certain thought escapes into damien's mind, the words: _you were an experiment. _keeping repeating louder and louder. it's like roaring in his ears once again. he's tired, but he still wants to fix it. losing this, something they've both invested so much time and energy into, isn't the preferred outcome.

despite the fact that it's raining, damien decides that it's the perfect time to stop being childish, take shayne's feelings into consideration, no matter how much it hurts. he'd rather live in heartache with a friend than live in heartache without a friend.

he truly needs to explain himself. but he isn't sure if he'll confess his feelings as well. it'd help shayne understand him but it would also complicate things.

well he has time to think about it while he goes on a walk to shayne's house.

\---

driving back from courtney's, after a show of tears and no answers, shayne decides he needs help from someone who is less biased. someone who can give an opinion on this without knowing damien nor shayne that well.

he calls olivia. she's one of shayne's newer friends who he met about a month ago in one of his college classes. she's sweet and she's charming. 

he calls olivia to help her with his mess. surprisingly olivia says yes without any hesitation. so the blonde makes a stop to pick up olivia and head to his house. on the way there, shayne tells her the same story he's told once before. but unlike courtney, the black-haired girl has a different opinion on the whole situation. 

she proposes that maybe there's a possibility that, due to shayne's vague idea expression, damien actually likes shayne back, which explains why he did an one-eighty. olivia explains that perhaps damien thought that shayne has another loveinterest and just felt disappointed. though, that theory sounds even less possible that the 'damien-started-acting-weird-because-he-doesn't-want-shayne-to-have-a-boyfriend' theory. like in the homophobic way. so shayne largely doesn't even acknowledge it.

after a short drive, or a long one, depends on how we count time, they arrive at shayne's place. they head inside for a nice cup of tea, it just feels appropriate, considering the weather and the slightly melancholic mood in the air. 

they sit on shayne's kitchen counter and try to come up with the best way to fix this issue. 

"i don't know damien at all, i've only heard you talk about him, but i think apologizing is general. we can use the general format for this," olivia starts the plan off.

"i guess so,"

"i mean, apologize for the things you're actually sorry for. otherwise you'll just come off disingenuous," olivia continues, she grabs her teacup, takes a sip out of it and asks shayne, "so what are you sorry for?"

"using him in a sense," he says with his eyes tearing up once again, he hates hurting others, especially when he knows he could've done better. "i'll apologize for the miscommunications, and for being too abrupt, he really doesn't deserve my feeling swings." 

"don't you think you're being a little too hard on yourself?" olivia asks him in a careful tone, it reminds shayne too much of damien, and how he happens to have a careful tone himself. how he's gentle, like your parents explaining to you why your dog isn't there anymore, but you're seven, and don't exactly understand the concept of death or something just being there and not being there the next moment. you still don't, even after all these years. shayne still doesn't.

he doesn't understand the concept of death, neither has he fully grasped the concept that people can just walk out with any explanations, and that they don't owe them either. that life isn't black and white, and that nobody sees into your head, everybody perceives your actions differently. in a sense he's wonderstruck by people, the nature of human relationships. despite that he also deeply despises the complicated nature of everything. 

"do you?" olivia asks once again, shaking him out of his thoughts.

"am i?"

"yes."

peacefully sitting in the kitchen gets interrupted by a knock on shayne's door. two knocks, silence.

"i'll go get that," shayne says wiping tears away from his face. he slides off of the kitchen counter, places his teacup down next to hers and exits the kitchen area. he opens the door, and to his surprise it's the one he had been stressing over, standing behind the door, soaking wet. 

"hey," is all the brunet says, in the freezing cold, he looks like he's cold. shayne quickly grabs a jacket from inside, puts on shoes, and stands outside, closing the door behind them.

damien regrets coming, _it would've been so much easier to pretend that the problem doesn't exist. _he saw a petite woman standing in shayne's kitchen, her back turned towards them. she has long straight black hair. he's confused, according to shayne his love interest is a man. that was expressed at least twice throughout _that _night. but he stops himself in his thoughts, _i came here to apologize, not to cause a scene. he can have whoever, _damien thinks to himself.

"hey," is also all shayne says as he closes the door behind them and the woman disappears out of sight. "i wanted to apologize, for doing what i did."

"you did nothing wrong," damien blurts before his thoughts catch up to the spoken words. _shit. _he thought he wanted shayne to apologize. 

shayne gently, carefully grabs damien's hands. he touches them like they're made out of marble, like if he held them too tight they'd break. the look in his eyes, he looks scared in a weird way, he looks like he's been crying. he looks ready for any reaction, but only ready to crumble if now damien shouted at him. he looks fragile, if damien would pull his hands out of the blonde's grasp, he'd be split into two. he already looks split into two.

"your hands are cold, _you_ must be cold," are the first words shayne speaks after a moment of silence. they almost shatter the whole moment. it's not what damien expected to escape the blond's lips first. only cause of the look he has on his face. scared, he's afraid, and damien's not sure if he's ever _even _seen shayne like this. all he wants to do is run into his arms and tell him that everything will be fine, all he wants to do is cheer up the blonde, whose starting to look like he's cold as well. his hair is wet. damien's afraid he'll go cold too.

but damien has to use all of his willpower to make the moment of apologizing in the streetlight hue, in the rain, stay. running into someone's arms doesn't always fix the issue. 

"i'm sorry for using you," is the second sentence that escapes from shayne's lips, and he immediately looks and _feels _lighter. "i'm sorry for being so close, letting us be so close, when that definitely broke your walls. i'm sorry that i saw this as something more than," he stops and breathes in deeply, "than friendship. i'm sorry that i scared you off and i feel bad that i came off so pushy. i thought that.."

"nevermind, this isn't your fault. i'm sorry for my feelings, i hope you can forgive me and that we can move forward together, and that you won't be freaked out or..i'm truly sorry."

his voice is quiet and soft, it's like his voice is trying to curl up into a ball and be invisible.

he's also crying again, but damien can't tell if his eyes are deceiving him. the lighting is bad and the rain isn't helping. though his shaky voice begs to tell a different story form his posture, and surness in words.

but those aren't the things that are confusing him the most, rather the words shayne said ever so firmly. _is he joking?_

"shayne, what the fuck?" damien speaks abruptly and pulls his hands out of shayne's grasp and _visually sees _the man in front of him break into a million little pieces, this is far from being split into two. 

so the blonde's voice cracks as he opens his mouth to speak again, "i'm sorry, i really am. i understand if you want time away from me. just take this apology with you." he then stands in front of damien for a few seconds longer, and just says, "i can't do this, i'm sorry that i hurt you and made you feel used. i'm so fucking sorry, i can't do this."

and just as quickly he came to stand in the rain with a loved one, just as quickly he leaves. leaves without giving damien any time to respond, or to even think, really.

\---

he wants to slam the door behind him, cause now he's the one heartbroken. the _'shayne, what the fuck?'_ kind of stings. kind of like pouring salt on an open wound. he doesn't even want to know what the brunet meant by it.

so he leans his back into his front door and just slides down it, his legs can't hold him anymore. he sits there, hands on his knees, head between his hands. he's cold now too.

the more shayne plays the moment over in his head, the more it hurts. damien letting him hold his _cold fucking hands _while he confesses and apologizes, before pulling them out of his grasp and just saying _'what the fuck'._

after sitting there for an unknown amount of time he takes his phone from his pocket and texts damien: _sorry for leaving you out cold. i'm sorry._

olivia comes and sits down next to him. she doesn't ask a question.

damien's initiative of coming here to not cause a scene has failed miserably. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes im a slut for angst, and what about it?  
[totally a side note, but, i was listening to taylor swift's 1989 album while writing. especially: this love, clean and i know places. i feel like the ending especially has the vibe of the tracks..... anyways, maybe enjoy the production of those songs while reading this.]


	4. i guess i'll never sleep in your bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shayne will never sleep in damien's bed again.

"shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit." is all that can be heard from damien's mouth, at this time. "fucking hell, how am i so stupid?" 

shayne left quickly, damien was in shock. he couldn't even manage to do a thing, to say a thing. all that he word-vomited out of his mouth was a 'shayne, what the fuck?' which didn't help his case _at all. _

shayne's text reading: 'sorry for leaving you out cold. i'm sorry.' didn't help any of his cases. 

the short conversation, no, rather a shayne-apologizes-and-damien-only-becomes-more-confused left the brunet with more questions then he had to begin with. who was that woman with long dark brown hair standing in shayne's kitchen? didn't shayne _very clearly _state that his love interest was a man? if it _was _a man, then _god, he must change his mind a lot. _

but damien rather tends to think that that's not the case. only cause of the words uttered by shayne, half crying: "i'm sorry that i saw this as something more than...than friendship. i'm sorry that i scared you off and i feel bad that i came off so pushy..." 

what in the ever loving _fuck _does shayne mean by 'more than friendship'. and what the hell was he talking about when he said that he felt bad for using damien. in what way? yes, he did act wrong, but he never used him.

unless.

unless this is a worst case scenario. damien starts to fall down a rabbit hole of what if's. _what if shayne wants to use me as a lover, and then just kick me to the curb. if he really switches lovers so fast. _

but damien's quite unsure of that narrative he created in his head, only cause of his previous 7 years of experience. if he had met shayne yesterday, yes, maybe he could believe that story. but knowing him for that long? sounds surreal. 

if shayne gave _so few fucks _than why did he apologize at all. 

and still, what does he mean by more than friendship, it's _damien _who wanted more than friendship.

oh god.

\---

"i want to fucking die," shayne sobs into his own shirt while olivia comforts him with sweet words. "all he said was 'shayne, what the fuck?'. what the _fuck _is that supposed to mean?!"

"he doesn't hate you, i can promise," olivia says while shushing shayne's quiet sobs.

they're there, both leaning against the door. being there, and nothing else.

"poor you," olivia whispers and leans her head onto shayne's shoulder after a few minutes of silence.

"olivia, i don't know if i can look him in the eye anymore," shayne speaks through his tears, "i apologized, i said what i said, i did what i did, oh god how i regret it. but i dont want to see him anymore, i think."

olivia just strokes shayne's back and sighs, "shayne, i think you should, nevertheless. i think that emotions got the best of both of you, you should try again. or maybe he will."

"i won't."

"hopefully he will," olivia whispers right in front of her.

\---

and so the months pass.

the last message shayne sent, and damien left on read, was a sorry. since they don't see each other in their day to day lives, there has been no reason to talk to each other. and so they fell apart, they were so close to being something, so _pretty, _so perfect. something that they both wanted. but miscommunications happen, that's just how life is. sometimes you have everything, and one wrong sentence, one wrong move can fuck it all up. 

life's fragile. and stories like these should make us more aware of how we can take absolutely nothing granted. your whole life could change tomorrow. it most likely isn't going to change _that _drastically, but nevertheless. you won't recognize yourself from a year ago, because different experiences make you into a new person. that's nothing to be ashamed off.

so the best way to avoid miscommunications is to just **talk. **nothing less, nothing more. 

\---

**author's note** (read if you're interested in why this story ended with angst even tho it looked like everything was going well lol)

when i started writing this story a while ago, it wasn't supposed to be like this. this isn't what i intended on, i wasn't going to write an angsty story with a sad ending. at first i wanted them to fall in love in 2 chapters, but look what happened.

i hadn't planned everything out, so i just ran with whatever my head scrambled together. even i myself rarely like angst-y stories, i like the ones where people end up happy, together. like a fairy tale, i guess most people do. 

  
i like writing and reading stories where everything has been covered by a cloud blanket, where the sunflowers face the main characters cause they are the brightest things around, cause they're _glowing_. i like when a writer can make me feel the pure emotions this imaginary character is feeling. i like being a part of the imaginary cloud-sunflower world.

  
often times people use writing as a means to escape to another world, different from theirs. one that doesn't have the same problems and worries. or sometimes people want a change in problems, they want to worry about what an imaginary character is going through in an imaginary situation instead of what they, in their quite real life, are going through.   
it's nice, and i like it.

but sometimes, what comes out of my brain isn't fairies and butterflies, gorgeous sunsets and lovers who end up together. sometimes my brain reflects what i have been going through. i always put my emotions on paper, whether i realize i'm doing it or not. 

so i guess, at the end of the day, this is a reflection of my own life in some way or another. like a reflection that has passed through many mirrors. cause i myself, haven't stood in the freezing rain and apologized to someone. and i haven't gone stargazing with anyone who i liked as much as damien and shayne seemingly like each other. neither have i cried with my back against my front door, but somehow i've felt all of these emotions.

so i amplified them and put them on paper, shaped it to be a love story, well not a love story exactly, i guess just a story.

and that's the end of it, one day when my clouds shift out of the way of the sun, and i become happy, i promise they'll see the sun too.

[i wrote this ending like a month ago idk why it has been sitting in my drafts. anyways thanks for reading, see u sometime]

**Author's Note:**

> comment or leave kudos for a part two/chapter two/ending. any constructive criticism is welcome. 
> 
> [edit: to the 8 people that saw this before posted on a different date, i'm re-posting cause it showed the date as the twenty first of sept while i finished this a month later, would like it to be in the new section so people who sort by that could see this. just a minor issue, nothing about the writing itself changed.]


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